The words out of their mouths, Part 2: Effective speech tags

One of the more common criticisms of unpolished writing is that there is too much telling and not enough showing.  Often, writers are urged to use dialogue between characters to break up long passages of narrative and get out of the authorial point of view.  While dialogue can be a very effective means of employing the "show, don't tell" technique, it must  be done, well, effectively.


A few days ago I was perusing my rather substantial inventory of Kindle books and selected one that I'd been particularly interested in based on the plot description and setting.  Unfortunately, the very first scene turned me off.   After a paragraph or two that set the stage, so to speak, as being in the library of a great house somewhere in Regency England, the ensuing conversation went something like this:

"You've taken everything I have, Craddock," said Jeremy Vinson.
     "There's always your sister," said the earl of Craddock.
     "What do you mean?"
     "I mean your sister Oriana.  She owns the Morvenny estate, doesn't she?"
     "Yes, but I still don't understand," said Jeremy.
     "Morvenny adjoins one of my smaller properties.  Together they would make an attractive parcel," said the earl.
     "But I can't give you Oriana's property.  She's only my half-sister, you know.  She inherited Morvenny from her mother's father, and I have no control over it," said Jeremy.
     "Oh, I'm quite well aware of that.  But surely you have some control over Oriana?"
     "Very little," said Jeremy.
     "Yes, I got the impression she's a bit of a handful.  Quite the hoyden when left to her own devices I would imagine," said Craddock.
     "You don't know the half of it."

Yes, it was that bad.  All dialogue, no action, and those booooring "said So-and-So" speech tags, and it went on for several pages just like that before the author added anything approaching action or description or. . . . anything.

So, how to improve this?  Well, one way would be to change all those "saids" to something else.  Replied, responded, queried, wondered, snapped, barked, snarled, trilled, sang, chortled, etc., etc., etc.  Those are called said-bookisms, as if the writer had a book of alternatives to the plain old said and was determined to use each and every one of them at least once but never employ "said" itself at all.  I won't even provide you with a sample; I think you know what I mean.

Much better results are achieved not by adding lots of interesting verbs (or worse, a bunch of adverbs!), but by. . .

Jeremy Vinson took a deep breath and released it slowly.
      "You've taken everything I have, Craddock," he said.
      Swirling the brandy in his glass lazily, the earl of Craddock studied the amber fluid and did not look at his host.  "There's always your sister."
       "What do you mean?"
       Craddock leaned back against the closed door and almost smiled at the desperation in Vinson's query.
      "I mean your sister Oriana.  She owns the Morvenny estate, doesn't she?"
      Vinson tried but failed to stifle a gasp.
      "Yes, b-but I still d-don't understand."
      Desperate, yes, but not terribly bright.  Craddock finally looked up from his contemplation of what was a surprisingly fine brandy, given the state of the Vinsons' fortunes.  From the other side of an ornate desk, Jeremy was staring at him, his eyes blinking with total lack of comprehension.  The earl had hoped not to have to spell out the details but there was nothing for it but to put it in simple terms this eldest of the three Vinson brothers might grasp. 
     "Morvenny adjoins one of my smaller properties in the duchy.  Together they would make an attractive parcel."
     Jeremy blinked several more times before he blurted, "But I can't give you Oriana's property.  She's only my half-sister, you know.  She inherited Morvenny from her mother's father, and I have no control over it."
     Good God, the man was duller than he'd thought.  To avoid shouting at him, Craddock took a sip of the brandy, then replied, "Oh, I'm quite well aware of that.  But surely you have some control over Oriana herself?"
     With a snort of disgust, Vinson said, "Very little."
     "Yes, I got the impression she's a bit of a handful.  Quite the hoyden when left to her own devices I would imagine."
     "You don't know the half of it."  Vinson tossed back the last of the brandy in his own glass, then threw the lovely vessel at the library's exquisite fireplace some three or four feet behind him.  Shards of crystal flew everywhere.  "She's a God damned bitch is what she is."

Speech tags themselves aren't enough.  Dialogue has to be mixed with action, with narrative, with description.  Sometimes "said" is the best verb to use because it doesn't overpower the rest of the sentence, either the dialogue or the narrative that goes with it.  Even without speech tags, the reader has no difficult discerning who said what.

More important, however, the blending of spoken words with action and description keeps the action moving.  Without the author's voice ever intruding, the reader learns Jeremy Vinson is apparently in debt to the earl of Craddock and is desperate as a result.  The author could easily have started the exchange between the two men by simply writing "Jeremy Vinson had lost everything he owned to the earl of Craddock and now had nothing left."  Instead, through dialogue and narrative and careful use of point of view, Vinson's desperation and Craddock's condescension are made evident.