The rhythm of the words: Another how-to-write post

Most of us have heard of the dread dangling participle and the misplaced modifier.  Let's look at some examples.

Opening the door, my heart pounded with fear.

That (present) participle phrase "opening the door" is just, well, it's just dangling.  It's not modifying anything else in the sentence.  "My heart" isn't opening the door.  Maybe "I" am opening the door, but "I" am not in the sentence.

Though it's more common with present participles, the same problem can happen with past participles.

Ripped to smithereens by the bomb blast, I tried to shield my eyes from the flames.

What was ripped to smithereens?  Not "I," since "I" am still reporting from the scene.  So the "ripped" phrase is just hangin' there, not really doing anything.  It's dangling.

Very often, of course, the context of the sentence will provide some clarification as to the actual meaning, but the writer who is careless about the construction of each individual sentence will often be careless about the rest of her or his craft.  Every sentence counts. And that's for good or bad.

Even when participial phrases are used correctly, they can become annoying if not kept under control.  Most readers won't notice if you have a present participle or three in each and every sentence.  Most readers don't develop the mental rhythm that comes from seeing too many -ing words.

Racing down the hill in the pouring rain, I didn't realize my feet were slipping on the grass until I was tumbling head over heels.

Smiling with delight, Rolinda watched her children playing in the sand, building towering castles and digging deep holes going all the way to China.

Hearing the sound of approaching hoofbeats, Brandon ducked behind the overhanging branches that hid the opening to the cave.

Are the examples exaggerations?  Not really.  In one self-published historical romance I downloaded this past week, there are 28 -ing words in the first four pages.  Yes, I'm much more aware of them than most readers.  But that doesn't mean they aren't important or that a writer shouldn't care about them.

For one thing, there are readers who notice.  For another, the more you as a writer pay attention to the writing and not just the storytelling, the better you will be able to tell the story so the reader gets it.

When a writer is aware of the potential for overuse of -ing participles, she can pay more attention to making each sentence as effective and powerful and precise as it can be.  It's not enough just to get the words out.  In a first draft, sure -- as Kasey Michaels told me years ago, it doesn't have to be perfect; it just has to be finished.  But it's the rewriting, the revising, the polishing  of that first draft that marks the professional.

At the hoofbeats approached, Brandon ducked behind the branches that hid the entrance to the cave.

With a smile of delight, Rolinda watched her children play in the sand.  They built towering castles and dug holes they believed would reach all the way to China.

I raced down the hill in the pouring rain and didn't realize my feet had slipped on the grass until I tumbled head over heels.

Present participles -- a form of a verb -- always end in -ing.  Ringing, laughing, grinding, galloping, chiming, snorting, wending, striving, seeking, bragging.

Past participles take a lot of different endings, and some are completely different words from the root verb.  Gone, done, looked, hung, thought, dragged, sneaked, found, drawn.  The use of past tense or past participles helps the writer avoid those monotonous -ing forms.

Obviously, there are times when the present participle is the best choice, the most effective choice, and it should be used there.  You may find that substituting a past tense or past participle construction makes dialogue stilted; by all means, use the present participle (usually as part of a progressive tense) if it makes your dialogue read more natural.

Brandishing the old sabre more like a club than a sword, Walter waited for the first invader to step out of the tunnel.

"I'm not giving you any more time, Lisa.  Either turn over the papers tomorrow or I'll take you to court."

Is it always easy to find just the right phrasing to convey exactly the idea, the vision, the experience you want to convey to the reader?  No, of course not.  But the more you practice, the more you're aware of the potential weaknesses, the more you read your own writing, the better you'll get at it.  Notice I didn't say it will get any easier. . . .

The words out of their mouths, Part 2: Effective speech tags

One of the more common criticisms of unpolished writing is that there is too much telling and not enough showing.  Often, writers are urged to use dialogue between characters to break up long passages of narrative and get out of the authorial point of view.  While dialogue can be a very effective means of employing the "show, don't tell" technique, it must  be done, well, effectively.


A few days ago I was perusing my rather substantial inventory of Kindle books and selected one that I'd been particularly interested in based on the plot description and setting.  Unfortunately, the very first scene turned me off.   After a paragraph or two that set the stage, so to speak, as being in the library of a great house somewhere in Regency England, the ensuing conversation went something like this:

"You've taken everything I have, Craddock," said Jeremy Vinson.
     "There's always your sister," said the earl of Craddock.
     "What do you mean?"
     "I mean your sister Oriana.  She owns the Morvenny estate, doesn't she?"
     "Yes, but I still don't understand," said Jeremy.
     "Morvenny adjoins one of my smaller properties.  Together they would make an attractive parcel," said the earl.
     "But I can't give you Oriana's property.  She's only my half-sister, you know.  She inherited Morvenny from her mother's father, and I have no control over it," said Jeremy.
     "Oh, I'm quite well aware of that.  But surely you have some control over Oriana?"
     "Very little," said Jeremy.
     "Yes, I got the impression she's a bit of a handful.  Quite the hoyden when left to her own devices I would imagine," said Craddock.
     "You don't know the half of it."

Yes, it was that bad.  All dialogue, no action, and those booooring "said So-and-So" speech tags, and it went on for several pages just like that before the author added anything approaching action or description or. . . . anything.

So, how to improve this?  Well, one way would be to change all those "saids" to something else.  Replied, responded, queried, wondered, snapped, barked, snarled, trilled, sang, chortled, etc., etc., etc.  Those are called said-bookisms, as if the writer had a book of alternatives to the plain old said and was determined to use each and every one of them at least once but never employ "said" itself at all.  I won't even provide you with a sample; I think you know what I mean.

Much better results are achieved not by adding lots of interesting verbs (or worse, a bunch of adverbs!), but by. . .

Jeremy Vinson took a deep breath and released it slowly.
      "You've taken everything I have, Craddock," he said.
      Swirling the brandy in his glass lazily, the earl of Craddock studied the amber fluid and did not look at his host.  "There's always your sister."
       "What do you mean?"
       Craddock leaned back against the closed door and almost smiled at the desperation in Vinson's query.
      "I mean your sister Oriana.  She owns the Morvenny estate, doesn't she?"
      Vinson tried but failed to stifle a gasp.
      "Yes, b-but I still d-don't understand."
      Desperate, yes, but not terribly bright.  Craddock finally looked up from his contemplation of what was a surprisingly fine brandy, given the state of the Vinsons' fortunes.  From the other side of an ornate desk, Jeremy was staring at him, his eyes blinking with total lack of comprehension.  The earl had hoped not to have to spell out the details but there was nothing for it but to put it in simple terms this eldest of the three Vinson brothers might grasp. 
     "Morvenny adjoins one of my smaller properties in the duchy.  Together they would make an attractive parcel."
     Jeremy blinked several more times before he blurted, "But I can't give you Oriana's property.  She's only my half-sister, you know.  She inherited Morvenny from her mother's father, and I have no control over it."
     Good God, the man was duller than he'd thought.  To avoid shouting at him, Craddock took a sip of the brandy, then replied, "Oh, I'm quite well aware of that.  But surely you have some control over Oriana herself?"
     With a snort of disgust, Vinson said, "Very little."
     "Yes, I got the impression she's a bit of a handful.  Quite the hoyden when left to her own devices I would imagine."
     "You don't know the half of it."  Vinson tossed back the last of the brandy in his own glass, then threw the lovely vessel at the library's exquisite fireplace some three or four feet behind him.  Shards of crystal flew everywhere.  "She's a God damned bitch is what she is."

Speech tags themselves aren't enough.  Dialogue has to be mixed with action, with narrative, with description.  Sometimes "said" is the best verb to use because it doesn't overpower the rest of the sentence, either the dialogue or the narrative that goes with it.  Even without speech tags, the reader has no difficult discerning who said what.

More important, however, the blending of spoken words with action and description keeps the action moving.  Without the author's voice ever intruding, the reader learns Jeremy Vinson is apparently in debt to the earl of Craddock and is desperate as a result.  The author could easily have started the exchange between the two men by simply writing "Jeremy Vinson had lost everything he owned to the earl of Craddock and now had nothing left."  Instead, through dialogue and narrative and careful use of point of view, Vinson's desperation and Craddock's condescension are made evident.

The words out of their mouths,Part 1: How to punctuate dialogue

The first day of class is always exciting. 

"Come in, come in," I greeted my students.  "There are plenty of seats.  Make yourselves comfortable."

One young woman wearing a Chicago White Sox jersey asked, "Is this the writing class?"

"It is."

She took a piece of paper out of the back pocket of her jeans and squinted to read it.  "I just registered this afternoon.  Is that okay?"

"Absolutely." 

I had had some of them in previous classes.  Jo Bernardi, petite and blonde and looking about ten months pregnant, eased herself into a chair in the front row.

"When's the baby due?" I asked her.

"Next Monday," she sighed.

"That's five more days.  Think you'll make it that long?"  Rosa Jankowski, another familiar face, grabbed the spot next to Jo. 

With exhaustion evident in her voice, the mother-to-be said, "I'd be happy to give birth tonight, right here.  Anything to have it over with!"

The third of the repeat offenders was Hank Abrahamer, all six-foot-six of him.  He took the desk at the end of the second row so he'd have room to stretch out those long basketball player legs.

"If I didn't know any better," he drawled with a glance in Jo's direction, "I'd say you was gonna have a baby."

Jo laughed, but with a grimace.

I had ten names on the roster, so with the late registrant that put eleven in the class, which was just one shy of the limit.  In addition to Jo, Rosa, and Hank, Lind Bosley was another student I'd had before, but the rest were first timers.  We might have a good group or we might have a bunch of duds.  One just never knew.


Okay, aspiring writers, let's get to work.  I can't even begin to list all the self-published ebooks I've looked at that drive me up the wall because the authors don't know how to punctuate dialogue.  One of the most effective ways to tell a story is through dialogue.  Not only do your characters impart information directly through what they've said, but they also set the scene with their actions.  Well-written dialogue is much much more than just the words the characters speak.

First of all, go into your word processing software -- which is probably MicroSoft Word -- and turn off smart quotes.  This will ensure that you don't have any backward-facing quotation marks. 

"Come in, come in," I greeted my students.  "There are plenty of seats.  Make yourselves comfortable."

This starts with the narrator "I" saying something, and the use of the speech tag "greeted" indicates the way in which she says it.  But because she's greeting "my students," the reader also gets the information that the speaker is some kind of teacher and the people she's talking to are students.  Because the actual dialogue portion is tied to the speech tag portion of the sentence, the two portions are joined with a comma, but because the speech tag section effectively ends that part of the sentence, a period follows. 

The quotation begins again, with a capital letter because it's a whole new sentence, and then ends.

Unless the action involved is closely tied to the dialogue, always start a new paragraph when the dialogue is completed.  Never have more than one speaker in the same paragraph.  Never.  The occasions on which you would do so are so rare as to justify the "never" command.  Just don't do it.

Punctuation that is tied to the dialogue goes inside the quotation marks.  In other words, that second comma indicates the end of the dialogue "Come in, come in," so it goes inside the marks.  The period after "students" relates to the speech tag portion, so it stays outside. 

One young woman wearing a Chicago White Sox jersey asked, "Is this the writing class?"

Because this character isn't given a name, the reader gets the impression that the narrator doesn't know her.  But because the text has already stated this is a classroom and the narrator is a teacher, identifying this second speaker as a "young woman" allows the reader to discard any notions that this is, say a kindergarten or grade school class.  Also, because of the apparel the student is wearing, this is a less than formal situation.

The comma indicates the end of the speech tag portion, so it goes outside the quotation marks.  And because the dialogue portion is a new sentence for the speaker (even if not a new sentence for the writer), it begins with a capital letter.  When it ends as a question, the appropriate punctuation stays inside the quotation marks.

"It is."

This short bit of dialogue responding to the question doesn't need a speech tag.  There are only two people identified at this point, so the speaker for this little line is presumed to be the first-person narrator.   It doesn't need a speech tag, which would be longer than the dialogue anyway.  Leaving the speech tag off, in this case, allows the reader to read that quick response just as quickly as the narrator would have said it, thus keeping the flow of the story moving right along.

She took a piece of paper out of the back pocket of her jeans and squinted to read it.  "I just registered this afternoon.  Is that okay?"

Imagine that this is a scene in a movie.  The student walks in, asks the teacher a question, the teacher answers, and then there's a pause while the student gets out the piece of paper.  The objective of effectively written dialogue is to simulate that kind of action.  The student makes her second comment and asks her second question after she has taken the paper out of her jeans (which is another descriptor to plant a visual image in the reader's mind).  That she has to squint to read it tells the reader yet something more about the character, but without stopping the action to give a freeze-frame fashion show description of her.

The action part of this mini-scene does not include anything that describes how the speaker speaks, no speech tag.  Therefore, the action part ends with a period.

Wrong:  Walter stirred more salt into the soup, "I should have had a little garlic."
Right:  Walter stirred more salt into the soup.  "I should have had a little garlic."

Wrong:  "The barn burned down six months ago," she looked at the blackened timbers.
Right:  "The barn burned down six months ago."  She looked at the blackened timbers.

The reader's eye does register the intricacies of punctuation, so that the more accurate yours is, the easier the reader will be able to sink into the story.  Proper punctuation will allow the reader to hear exactly what you want her to hear.